So, for starters, I had an interesting weekend wherein I spent a portion of it at the hospital. This was a painful experience if only for the fact that I don't have any insurance. What brought me to the hospital was stupidity in its purest and simplest form. I am convinced that I am going to die stupidly because my most heinous injuries are always the result of idiocy. Take for example, the dislocated shoulder from "airplaning" a man that outweighed me by 50 lbs (you know, where you lie on your back and they put their palms in yours and then lay their stomach on your feet). Or the time I fell out of a hot tub into a drainage pipe that was lined with jagged rocks, ripping the skin off of my entire bicep and thigh. Or the time...well, you get the idea.
Saturday, I was busy making a combination cat-box tower/scratching post/giant cat toy (see, stupid already) in the barn. My parents had just left for Portland to get a visitor they'd be hosting for the week and Remy decided to visit me before scuttling off to his underground lair to work on the phat beats. I was wearing flip-flops, wielding a dull utility knife and had triple-thickness cardboard draped over a recycling bin (make-shift sawhorse) when he said to me, "You are making me really nervous the way you're throwing that knife around." I scoffed and asked him if he had a sharper knife. He feigned ignorance, told me to be careful, and went in the basement to work. Immediately after his departure, I found a sharper knife. And immediately after that, I dropped the knife, blade down, into my big toe.
Now, I knew I'd cut myself but I didn't know how badly until I bent down to pick up the knife and found my flip-flop swimming in a pool of REALLY bright red blood. Like, I always thought that the blood in movies looked really fake because they made it bright red but there it was, all over my foot and the floor looking like a harlot who had melted in the fierce judgment of a vengeful God. I felt like I needed help so I started screaming, "OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH...!!!" whilst running into the house, leaving behind me a trail of scarlet (thank you, Wayne Hussey). My brother met me, looking distraught. I instructed him to get me a towel, which he did. Meanwhile, Remy came running upstairs. I kept trying to look at the wound but IT WOULDN'T STOP BLEEDING and, I admit, I panicked. Actually, I thought, "Oh shit, I've cut off my toe." I had never in my life seen so much blood, it was everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE. So, I did what I thought one should do in that instance and went to the hospital. Strangely enough, my toe didn't hurt, which it should have but I suspect that it has something to do missing a major nerve right there (abscess, ballet injury).
Once there, I found that the cut was pretty manageable. I mean, it went most of the way through my toe and halfway around it but it had stopped bleeding and I sat there with the triage nurse saying, "You know, I think that thing is fine. Never you mind." Because the terror of what this little cut would cost me had started to overshadow any panic I felt at the thought of losing my toe and I really would have rather taken my chances than be sodomized by the medical system. I know that I'm a just a blubbery mass of pinko trash who must not be a viable member of society because I can't afford health insurance even though I work 60 hours per week. So, obviously, I deserve to lose my toe. I WILL SACRIFICE MY TOE FOR YOUR RIGHT TO KEEP ALL YOUR FILTHY LUCRE. You know, lest we descend as a nation into the lascivious depths of depravity that them thar European nations have sunk by having A FUCKING PUBLIC OPTION in our little health reform bill. I mean, really. And I'm not even going to apologize for that.
I'm sitting there in the hospital, after the doctor peeks his head in to tell me that, no, I absolutely MUST have stitches because he cannot tolerate a flapping toe in his town, and I keep thinking THIS is the health care problem, RIGHT FUCKING HERE, and why the fuck do people not get it? I know I never grew up, I still have all these naive ideas about the universe and how everything should be fair and equal and lovey dovey and that I should just get over it already, shave my balls and join the big boy's club but I shouldn't have to spend an entire month's income on FOUR FUCKING STICHES because I HAD to go to the emergency room because I don't have insurance and no other doctors would see me. WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE SEE THE INHERENT WRONGNESS OF THAT SITUATION?! Head explodey.
Oh my god, how did that become a health care rant when all I wanted to do was show you a photo of my toe? I hope you aren't eating lunch when you see this: